Recalcitrant Femme

Thesis shmesis

2005-07-07T11:50:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday. I felt fine about turning 23 but I'm freaking out about 24 since it's nearly 25, and that's almost the scariest number of all
- 3 - 0.

I'm a Cancerian and apparently Saturn is leaving my sign on 16 July, where he's been hanging out causing havoc for two years. Beware, Leo, for you are next. Saturn is apparently the planet of upheaval, change and karma. I had this weird moment of realisation that the bad car accident I was in in 2003 would have happened just as Saturn begin its sojourn in Cancer. Weird. I'm blaming it all on Saturn.

If anything, the last six months have seemed to contain the most change of the last two years, mostly due to my girlfriend going through the police academy. To be honest I can't wait for her to be out. It has been the source of so much stress for us both! She is constantly exhausted, bruised and battered, and has to force herself to study the fine art of fingerprinting or whatever it is they're learning that day. I've also been the dummy for handcuffing practice. No, it's not as kinky as it sounds. It's just... rough. Like, thrown on the ground with your arms twisted really awkwardly up around your back.

Stella is now over six months old and she gets cuter every day. She must have been the runt as she's still very small, especially compared to Basil who weighs in at a hulking 7 kg. Stella must only be about 2kg, and her coat is now amazingly black and glossy, and her eyes greener than ever. Apparently Russians continue getting greener eyes up until they're two. I'm so glad we got her, Basil loves her company even though he pretends he doesn't care. They are always either chasing each other around the house, or cleaning each other on our bed, like an old married couple!

Time flies when you're feeling over-run

2005-03-02T17:30:00.000+08:00

Life is a constant stream of duties, obligations, chores, and"I really can't be fucked doing that but I guess I better..." situations.

It's depressing.

I spent the last few months of 2004 preparing myself for the fact that 2005 would bring with it the prospect of the rat race, 9-5 lifestyle, and it certainly has arrived. But no fanfare with it.

I feel like an old-timer already, complaining like this. I catch myself thinking wasn't life grand when I got up at ten, had a cup o' tea and a fag, and dawdled around the house until Oprah at 2 o'clock.

No more of that for me. Now I arise at 6am. And I'm not very chirpy at that time of the morning. I now have to iron my clothes, make my hair semi-presentable each day, and have a constant supply of Juicy Tubes to keep me feeling shiny.

---

Like the photo of Stella? She's our new baby. She's a black Russian, and she's 16 weeks. Basil is being surprisingly tolerant. We can already tell she'll be the boss when she grows up.

Slack

2005-02-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time...

Anyhoo, no excuses. A lot has changed since I last wrote. I'm now a full time working woman; yes I got the research job in government. It's full on. I have only worked cruddy customer service type jobs up until now and this is the first position I've held with some level of brain work required, as well as accountability.

In other news... I bought a laptop today! I was considering an Apple but ended up with a Toshiba. It's all lovely and shiney and new, and I am so impressed with it. I am still writing my thesis (although I haven't touched it for months, the semester starts next week). Now I can write in bed or outside or on the couch, whereever I feel like, instead of being shut in the study in the back of the house.

Had a bad turn of events when I got home from buying the laptop though, Basil (the cat) has been really sick, all over the house, and is spending the night in the vet hospital. At a cost of $650. That's nothing, I know, as he has fast become my furry little man in the year or so that we've had him; I love him so much and it was very upsetting seeing him in so much pain. He may have an obstruction in his bowel, so we're waiting overnight to find out if he's ok. The x-rays they've done can't pick anything up that is definitely an obstruction although there is something suss there, the vet said. My poor little boy... I love you Basil, thinking of you, sending you lots of love little one...

Too many boxes, too little time

2004-11-30T16:19:00.000+08:00

I've started packing today, since I realised last night that we move NEXT WEEKEND. It's come up so quickly. All my damn books weigh so much in the boxes. I hate packing. It's all going to be so expensive too.

I'm working on my last assignment of the year; the last one before I actually write my _thesis_. Eek. I hate even typing that. I have a meeting with my supervisor on Thursday morning so I have lots of reading to do before then. I have to look like I know what I'm talking about!

Oh, and I have a job interview! It's a government research position. I'd love to get it. There were 90 applications and I got into the top 10, so even just knowing that made me happy. It's a panel interview with 4 people. I've never done anything like that before. I hope I don't freeze up.

O! baby

2004-11-22T15:05:00.000+08:00

I turned on the tele for my semi-regular dose of Oprah Winfrey today. Today's episode was The World's Biggest Baby Shower for the pregant military wives of the US Fort Lauderdale army base. It was a poorly-disguised propaganda piece, in my eyes, for three things:

"Let's keep our soldiers in Iraq"
"Let's keep the soldiers' wives at home having more babies 'cause ain't motherhood just the cutest thing"
Advertising Johnson & Johnson: "the baby experts", as Oprah kept repeating.

Now, this is rather problematic for me. I'm something of a military wife myself (although in something of a different sense to those yankee women in Kentucky) at least for another couple of weeks until Ange leaves the army. I guess this means that I'm quite emotional when it comes to the idea of your beloved being in the middle east (as mine was, for 4 months this year) for the purposes of fighting a war that has highly questionable reasons for existence at its core.

After watching Farenheit 911, which drew to my attention that many of the US army recruiters specifically target lower socio-economic regions such as ghettos and suburban malls to attract poor, unemployed recruits. Watching Oprah today made me realise that this is not just another one of Michael Moore's hyper-exaggerations. It's true. Most of the women who commented on the show said that it was likely their partners would not be home in time for the birth. There were also some female soldiers interviewed in Iraq who had left babies as young as two months at home. Whether these women made the choice to leave them, or whether they were forced by military or economic obligation, I'm left feeling very disturbed by this.

I can't help but like Oprah - she's extremely generous and has done wonders to help out marginalised and poor people the world over. But with episode like this appearing more and more frequently, I wonder if George Dubbya is sending large cheques her way?

Christmas time

2004-11-20T11:02:00.000+08:00

I love Christmas, there's something so wholesome and just... good about it. I know, I know, it's turned into a regular american-infiltrated, Hallmark-phrased, consumerist nightmare. All those pictures of snow-filled fun just don't suit our antipodeanism, right? I don't care... I still love it. Last year Ange and I baked hundreds of little butter cookies in star, heart and tree shapes. We had a production line happening in our teensy kitchen. We wrapped them in cellophane, and in brown paper which I stamped with potato stamps (yay for potato stamps!). We gave them to all our friends and relatives - well, those in Perth, anyway. They seemed to be a big success, even for all the effort.

This year, Ange wants to do something different. I think the idea of standing in the kitchen with the hot oven for that long doesn't appeal to her too much. She also wants us to come up with some of our own Christmas traditions - she's a tres Christmassy person, as you might guess. She suggested baking a special pudding together. "But that means we'll have that pudding in our house - to eat!!" I complained. I love baking, but hate the fact that having all that yummy food at home means I snack (ok gorge) on it all day.

So, we're trying to come up with more.

Bookish

2004-11-16T13:02:00.000+08:00

We've had to do a huge spring clean so that we can find people who'll want to take over our lease. The real estate woman bought some through yesterday and more today. I made sure I wasn't home. It creeps me out, people walking around in my house and looking at all our bits and pieces and our photos on the fridge... creepy. It's a gorgeous, big, old house so I can't see why they wouldn't want to move in. Plus, we've got it temporarily looking like a Freedom Furniture catalogue. Too neat for words.

I cleaned out all my old books on the shelf yesterday and took them to my local book exchange store, where I got $55 credit. I scored some new (old) books to read, including The Great Gatsby which I've been trying to find ever since I lost my high school lit copy, and an old fave, Memoirs of A Geisha.

I've been going through a fanatical Douglas Coupland phase. So is someone else it seems, as every single Coupland novel - all 8 of them - that my uni library stocks was borrowed out. I've already read most of them but really want to re-read Microserfs. I'd love to be able to write the way he does.

Something quite strange happened today when I was getting into my car after tutoring at uni. Someone was calling out "excuse me", but I couldn't see who it was, and as I was unloading all my books into the car this big guy walked up carrying a black bag. He said he'd found a baby honeyeater that had broken its wing, and did I know where the campus vet clinic was? It was on the other side of the campus, through all the bushlands, so I offered to drive him there. It was only when he was in my car that I realised how stupid it was of me to invite a guy into my car carrying a dodgy looking bag. I relaxed when he showed me the tiny bird in a shoe box with air holes cut in the lid. He'd caught the bus all the way from the city, missing his TAFE lecture, to help the baby bird. A big, scary looking guy. Kind of challenged some of my assumptions.

Withdrawal symptons

2004-11-10T22:20:00.000+08:00

When, oh when, will the lustiest woman my small screen has ever seen return to me?

What a crock, Ms Stein

2004-11-09T23:27:00.000+08:00

"What is the meaning of style for contemporary lesbian identity and politics? Are today's lesbian style wars skin deep, or do they reflect a changed conception of what it means to be a dyke? If a new lesbian has in fact emerged, is she all flash and no substance? Or is she at work busily carving out new lesbian politics that strike at the dominant notions of gender and sexuality?...
When lesbian-feminists see young femmes strutting around in makeup and panty hose, they may see women intent on fitting in, assimilating into the straight world, shedding their anger, and forgetting their roots...
What does it mean that often the most visible players in our communities today are lipstick lesbians, given that lesbian communitites are more fragmented... It could be argued that lifestyle lesbianism promotes assimilation over separation, and style over substance, and is a sign of our growing conservatism."

-Arlene Stein (1992). 'All dressed up, but no place to go? Style wars and the new lesbianism' in Joan Nestle's The Persistent Desire, Boston: Alyson Press.

There are so many things that are just WRONG about this. Where do I start? (And I'm feeling lazy so I'm not going to go into much depth here):

Young butches strut around just as much as young femmes, except they're not wearing makeup nor panty hose (and who does wear panty hose anyway?)
For me, being a femme is not about assimilating nor fitting in since I do neither. Nor is it about shedding roots, since femmes have often been already cast aside in the past in the name of privileging female masculinity.
I hate the conflation of femme with lipstick lesbian. They're not the same thing!
The idea that 'lipsticks' are more visible in lesbian culture completely cracks me up as it is so untrue. Come down to our queer clubs with me, Arlene! And I'll show you one femme to every ten butches/andros.
I can't even be bothered talking about the final sentence. I give up.

Nano update

2004-11-09T23:14:00.000+08:00

Word count: 13 542
Plot breakthroughs while at Retro Betty's burger cafe tonight with Ange: 1
Feeling you get when you crack the 10 000 barrier: priceless.

2004-11-05T15:17:00.000+08:00

Snuggles

Extra post for today...

2004-11-02T22:45:00.000+08:00

I couldn't help but include this great e-mail from the organiser of Nanowrimo, Chris Baty. It makes me feel great about the craziness of the task at hand:

Dear Writers,

And so NaNoWriMo begins. Thirty-three thousand writers from two dozen countries. The largest literary force ever unleashed upon the unsuspecting month of November. Over the course of the next thirty days, we'll produce more prose than many professional writers manage in an entire year. And we'll emerge from the month with a not-horrible manuscript, heaps of novel-writing experience, and the power to charm and impress attractive strangers in cafes with passing references to our literary masterworks. If your brain is anything like mine (distractible, easily confused, prone to fits of procrastination), it's going to love the upcoming high-velocity workout.

And you'll be absolutely astonished by the things your imagination comes up with when you put it on the spot. Bookish plots will appear. Complex settings will materialize and expand. Listless characters will rise up, steering the story towards twists and turns you never could have anticipated or planned. It sounds too good to be true, I know. But I've seen it happen to thousands and thousands of people. Because it turns out that writing a novel doesn't take a great idea, or a miraculous gift for pacing or dialogue. It just takes dedication. And a deadline big enough to injure a water buffalo.

As we face that whomping thirty-day deadline together this month, I hope you'll keep two things in mind: 1) You are awesome. Whether you recognize it or not, you are a tremendously powerful literary force. Currents of creativity run so deeply through the human condition that the central problem of writing is not a shortage of inspirationbut an overwhelming surplus of it. Make writing a daily part of your life in November, and your novel will take care of itself. No sweat.

2) We're all in this together. This month, let's take care of one another, andgo the extra mile to keep other Wrimos around us motivated and on track. Whether you spread some friendly encouragement on the forums, in local groups, on in one-on-one writing sessions with friends or family, be sure to reach out with kindness whenever someone is struggling. And should kindness fail, reach out with a sharp stick or other prodding device.

Whatever works, really, to make sure that all participants experience the spirited highs of Week One, as well as the face-squishing lows of Week Two. To ensure that everyone get the opportunity to gaze out on the pleasant, verdant slopes of Week Three, and experience the champagne-drenched, finish-line mayhem of Week Four. We could walk alone to that finish line, sure. But the real joy of the journeycomes from tackling the challenge together. In spending time writing loudly, sharing our weird plot developments, character epiphanies, and noveling breakthroughs. And -- after one long and productive month -- raising our voices in a mighty, combined roar as we celebrate on the far side of 50K. So let's get writing! November is upon us, and the great adventure of NaNoWriMo 2004 is officially underway.

Best of luck, everyone!

Chris
NaNoWriMo

And, here's a really small excerpt from my novel so far. I'm too shy to post anymore at present, in case anyone is actually reading (picked at random, I swear):

Edie left her desk and went out to her small balcony. The streetlights cast a soft light over the brothel across the street, and she watched a man sitting on the fence outside the innocent enough looking building, eating his hot chips quickly so that he could go inside.

I wonder if the girls chew gum throughout the entire act, she wondered. She lit a cigarette, self consciously hiding its glowing orange ember so that he wouldn’t spot her looking down across the street at him.

Don’t be ridiculous you idiot. As if he’s going to notice that, when he’s thinking about the guaranteed shag that’s coming his way. The mobile phone beeped quietly to itself inside. The message was from Sam. Having a great night, he wrote. You should have come out. The boys are falling over themselves to talk to me. Edie made a ‘pfft’ sound and threw the phone carelessly back on the coffee table, returning outside to finish her smoke.

Seeing lesbians on Survivor

2004-11-02T22:11:00.000+08:00

The television was briefly turned to Survivor tonight - we're not really fans, but decided to give it five minutes to impress us. We tuned in to the moment when the survivors are given letters by their loved ones to read. One older woman started to cry, saying "This is Annie, my partner, she's just the most beautiful person in the world". "Ahaaaa...", we both said at the same time. This is what tends to happen when I'm unaware someone is gay and find out to the contrary. That moment of recognition. It happened on Sunday in our regular-Sunday-brekky-cafe. Two women walked in and sat down together, and shared a gorgeous, intimate hug. Ange told me off for staring at them. "It's only because I like seeing other lesbians!" I protested.

Anyway back to the story. The camera panned in to a photograph she held of the two of them looking at each other. I know it sounds corny but you really could see their love for each other in the way they looked together. It was so touching. I can't believe I'm saying that - it was such a made for television moment: "Look, here's two lesbians! And whatsmore, they are just like us." But it still managed to put tears in my eyes.

Especially after reading the letters to the editor last week after the weekend Pride parade. How dare these disgusting homosexuals flaunt their perverted lifestyle in front of innocent children. What will happen next? Paedophiles, murderers and people into bestiality given their own 'celebratory parade'? How anyone can equate the absolutely incredible love Ange and I share with the acts of killing and abuse that person wrote of is completely beyond me. In the moments where we lay in bed together, our arms wrapped around each other, I wonder to myself how anybody can think that this is wrong.

Serenity now

2004-11-01T20:54:00.000+08:00

Tonight was the first lesson in a new yoga course we enrolled in at 8 Limbs. We both feel very zen! Calmness is quite a rare thing in my life but I am surprisingly balanced, and I think this is all because of the 15 minute meditation at the end. The teacher was so tiny, lithe and waif-life in appearance (but lovely). She began the lesson with a talk about the Indian yogis Ashtunga yoga is based upon. They all live to around 100, apparently. I couldn't help but wonder if she was actually 80, but looking a healthy 35!

Nanowrimo not going well - have stumbled upon writer's block on the first day. Not good.

On a brighter note though, I had a meeting with my supervisor which went really well, I felt for once as though I knew what I was talking about. She's leant me Judith Butler's Gender Trouble and Bodies That Matter for some light reading (not).

Who knew? I like writing

2004-10-31T23:03:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make - I've started my nano novel an hour early - purely because I have such a busy day tomorrow followed by a yoga class at night. I have all these thoughts running around in my head and had to get them out.

I'm really enjoying the writing process but it doesn't feel as though it is flowing quite like I'd like it to. I'm still putting a lot of thought into every sentence, but with the nano thing it's supposedly quantity not quality - I don't like that idea but how else would I reach the 50,000 words? I guess some days I'll write more than others. I hate being such a slow writer/thinker (the typing part isn't the problem here!)

I have several pages of messy notes jotting out how I want my characters to be, as well as reminders of plot events. This is quite cathartic - part memoir, part imagination, part future-hopes-and-dreams. I wonder if other people project so much of themselves into the characters (as well as the people in their lives).

I really would love to reach the 50,000 word mark, and I'm going to try my hardest. At this point, it does feel impossible. Perhaps 30,000 is more realistic. Nay, aim high!

Nanowrimo nerves...

2004-10-30T21:33:00.000+08:00

As time ticks on, Nanowrimo draws closer. Do I have enough of a plot scraped together to write 50 000 words about? Definitely not. Am I excited? Wildly. Is my main character just me with a different name and some of the characteristics I've always been fascinated by in others? Possibly.

In other news, we've been house-hunting. To one house. It's perfect, we called the day we saw it and said "we want it". It's light, airy, smallish yet still quite enough space. It has a vege garden, is a stone's throw from the beach, has a perfect sunny room that will be my study, and has plenty of window sills for Basil to stare at the outside world from. It's a twenty minute walk to my favourite markets, cafes, bookstores, and Morrison. It's a place that I love to walk around and could spend all day just sitting around in. Above all, it's somewhere I have always wanted to live, so we're taking the chance.

You know, I really don't mind that nobody reads this. It makes me feel kind of liberated. Low-stakes writing, no expectations. Kind of like my nanonovel.

And my main character's name - Edie.

Nothing worse than a closeted femme

2004-10-19T09:13:00.000+08:00

" Of course, there's a strict gay dress code no matter where you cruise. At the height of my college cruising, I was attending Take Back the Night meetings dressed in Mr. Greenjeans overalls, Birkenstocks, and a bowl haircut that makes me look like I'd just been released from a bad foster home. There is nothing more pitiful to look at than a closeted femme" - Susie Bright (Susie Sexpert) 1991

All this reading about femme-ininity I've been doing lately has got me thinking. Why is it that butch lesbians are generally granted much more credibility in the lesbian world? And, will this ever change? Another article gave possible solutions to the femme problem. Forget visibility, its says. It doesn't matter whether you look lesbian. As long as you are performing 'queer acts', you're being subversive and this is enough. Is it enough? Does what I do in the bedroom have any bearing on the "disruption of heteronormativity"? Other queer acts it cites include the femme strapping it on (yes, literally) as a subversive act; ''loudness" - i.e. vocalising your political stance as a femme; and bodily modifications. None of these are satsifying solutions to me. It also talks about the subtle differences between femme femininity and heterosexual femininity. Lipgloss is lipgloss, isn't it?

Check out this description of the differences between the femme lesbian and the lipstick lesbian.

2004-10-06T11:02:00.000+08:00

I am utterly exhausted after yesterday, which began with a half-day length seminar I'd been told was for Honours students. Turns out it was for PhD students but most of it was semi-applicable (at a different level of course). Anyway, it's pretty much confirmed for me that I don't want to go down the PhD path - not yet, anyway. It simultaneously inspired, motivated, scared and panicked me and has left me feeling like I have a lot more work to do. "Honours is a sprint, a PhD is a marathon" a panel member advised her eager listeners. At that, I thought "Eek, perhaps I should be doing a whole lot more work than I'm doing". I am guessing [hoping?] that this is a fairly normal feeling. When I confessed to my supervisor a while ago that I felt I've "faked" all my marks up until now [i.e. I'm somehow not up to the level she thinks I am] she said "Congratulations! You've entered the post-grad club of massive self-doubt".

So, now I'm a member... and this is how it feels.

Still undecided and still ruminating

2004-10-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

on who the hell I'm going to vote for in the October 9 election! In past years my mind is always made up long before the day itself (I'm definitely a left-leaning type). This year is different. It's not that I pay attention to the slandering ads on tele, nor have I even watched the news or bought the paper for weeks. I'm feeling torn between my feelings of immense dislike for Howard's blatant homophobia (e.g. Would he be disappointed if one of his children were gay? A resounding "yes!") and the fact that I just can't see Latham successfully continuing peaceful, positive relations with other key nations, such as Indonesia. There's also the many issues facing higher education which directly affect me, plus the other things like refuge issues, health, the arts, and so on.

If you're in Australia and feeling generous with your time (it only takes a minute or so) here is a questionnaire regarding your opinions on the upcoming Federal election:

http://www.onlineopinion.com.au/onlinefocus/election-2004/index.asp?page=questionnaire

The George Michael lyric which most sums my day

2004-09-30T15:48:00.000+08:00

is "life keeps kicking my ass in so many ways..." - seriously, if I open the letterbox to see one more bloody bill this week I am going to scream and scare the bejesus out of the patrons sitting in the cafe across the road. A and I really need to get some form of organisation in our lifes, and to this end, I've bestowed this responsibility on a brand spankin' new cork-board I've set up near our front door which has all the bills, the calender and most importantly the budget on it in an effort to gain control over our rampant spending. We are so, so naughty as we constantly choose eating out (I've got this thing for tom yum soup at the moment) instead of cooking the food we seem to fill our fridge with every two days. It is getting crazy around here. Next thing you know, I'll be hocking the cat at Cash Converters along with the rest of Perth's poor white trash.

In other news, we got back yesterday from three magical days camping in the bush south-east of the city. It was lurverly but absolutely freezing cold. The national park was also dog-friendly which meant Max had the time of her life going completely feral, swimming in the river, and building on her ever-growing obsession with throwing gumnuts at our feet. Best of all, Ange and I got along famously and I feel so close to her once again after that awful four month separation thing. She is so hilarious it's like living with the entire Jerry Seinfeld cast, rolled into one person. Ain't love grand?

My goals for October:

Walk every day for at least half an hour
Stop eating shit all the time (turkish delight bars don't count)
Finish my paper on lesbian representation in popular culture by next week
Get into reading and writing on the subject of 'femme' culture and identity, for the next chapter of my thesis
Finish knitting the vest for Isaac
Stop spending

P.S. Can anyone tell me what happened in this week's episode of The O.C.?

Newlyweds no more

2004-09-22T17:31:00.000+08:00

Nick and Jessica, how could you?

I'm too upset by this to say anything else...

Neighbours gets on the bandwagon

2004-09-20T16:05:00.000+08:00

Even Neighbours is doing the obligatory lesbian character thing! A and I have been trying to cut down on the television every night in an effort to try to be more productive (and also to share more 'quality time' together) but I can't stop watching Neighbours. Since I've started by thesis I've been much more observant of the tiniest mention of queerness in whatever popular culture I'm consuming at the time. This week, it's Neighbours. I'm also trying to find a good web site or even a book that is a bit of an encyclopedia of lesbian/gay characters on tv.

I made my first ever Amazon purchase last week, and got a cute little cardboard box directly from New York dropped in the front yard not long after. It contained my brand new copy of Femme: Feminists, Lesbians and Bad Girls. It had such an enticing title I couldn't resist it, and happily it's pretty much exactly what I wanted.

In other news, I've been employed in my first tutoring gig at uni. I'm teaching at the Aboriginal Education Centre there, and have a group of 3 students I meet with twice a week. It's been going really well and I'm finding it both more difficult yet more rewarding than I first thought it would be. The experience has made me wonder whether I should have gone with a Dip. Ed. after all. It can always be done at a later stage though, and I think there's a reason I didn't choose to do it in the first place.

I'm also on the prowl to buy a sewing machine. My knitting skills have expanded greatly - I can now use circulars and double pointed needles! - and I'm currently working on an olive green, v-necked vest for my two year old cousin Isaac. I found Stitch 'n Bitch in the bookshop the other day again after months of wanting it, so I finally bought it and made our niece the Umbilical Cord baby hat. So cute! And baby projects are so much better than big people projects because they are so much quicker. But I really want to start on other projects and a sewing machine is just what I need. I'm coveting these bags at the moment, designed by the very talented Amy Butler. I also love her fabrics.

We got a Myer cosmetics brochure in the mail yesterday and it's made me realise how much of a make-up addict I am. It's like women's magazines - I know they are silly, unnecessary and unfeminist, yet I can't help but purchase purchase purchase! I want this, this lipslick in pretty girl, and this.

2004-09-04T11:01:00.000+08:00

I had the most disturbing dream last night. It made me want to immediately call my old therapist this morning when I woke up, in fact I'm thinking of booking in to see her again this week. (It's been more than six months, I think). About an hour after we went to bed I got up to go sleep in the spare room, mainly due to the snoring dog. Ange tends to get shitty with me when I can't sleep and I'm moving around too much. Understandable. It was one of those dreams that had me waking up wracked with fear and awful feelings of panic. The memories of it have faded now. I remember hearing Ange get up during the night to go to the toilet, and I followed her in and asked if she could come in and sleep with me. "What are you talking about???" she asked grumpily. (As you would be, if you'd been sitting on the toilet with your eyes shut). This morning, as I was tucking her in on my way to work, she explained that she hadn't actually realised I'd been sleeping in the other room and thought I was sleep walking. A strange night.

I'm half-way through Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code. Quite interesting, mainly for the fact that a lot of the information it contains on the Holy Grail and the Priory of Sion is factual. I scored at the second hand book stall at the markets my uni has last week. I got John Pilger's Distant Voices for $11, and Clan of the Cave Bear, which I read ten years ago and was only thinking that I wanted to read it again the other day, for $8. It's a fairly trashy dramatic, romance-ish tale set in the pre-historic eras. Smut and all. Nice to escape with, though. Bargains ahoy!

I have finished my annotated bibliography on queer representation in popular culture - that was the title I ended up running with although I am very apprehensive about using the term 'queer' since it's so fraught with difficulty. Speaking of queer, I had a queer theory reading group meeting in the post-grad cafe on Monday, at my supervisor's suggestion. What an, um, experience, shall I say. It left me feeling intimidated, stupid, and as though I should immediately cease entertaining all notions of post-grad ANYTHING. The very fact alone that one particularly wanky person used the phrase "Speaking as a poet..." should tell you what kind of scenario it was.

My best friend is over from Sydney for the weekend, we're off to the bar where her sister works tonight for a coupla drinks, and then I really just want to head home... I feel like a sleepy cave-animal. Don't want to leave the cave! But, I only get to see Arienne once a year at most so I'll try and pipe up before tonight.

Procrastination? What procrastination?

2004-08-21T09:50:00.000+08:00

Have finally got my thesis started. I've written 1000 words for my annotated bibliography on lesbians in popular culture. That may be a drop in the ocean but it just feels good that I've at least started it. Yay for me.

It's been a great, lazy week together. We saw an incredible film called Touching the Void and we've had many, many coffees and hot chocolates at our favourite cafe. Domestic bliss. All my fears about Ange changing because of the amount of stress she's been through have been allayed, thank goodness, and it's as if she never left.

Apologies

2004-08-14T11:03:00.000+08:00

So sorry it's been ages since I posted. How very slack of me. To be honest, the computer was the last thing on my mind after my girl got back from 4 months in hell, and we just returned from a week down at WA's beautiful south coast. It was amazing - cool fine days, rainy windy nights spent in the spa or in front of the pot belly stove. And I did my best to maintain my post weight-loss will power by resisting all of the incredible cheeses. We did get one block of fruit and nut chocolate from the wonderful Margaret River Chocolate Factory as well as 8 bottles of wine from Lenton Brae, Vasse Felix, Amberley, Madfish, Gralyn and Brookland Valley. Mmmmm... into the wine rack they go. We are going to try to let the Cab Merlots age for a few years but are doubtful that that will actually happen, given our penchant for gorgeous reds.

My points counting starts again today! (Still want to lose about 3 more kilos, and am terrified that my new $260 jeans will no longer fit if I allow myself to put on any weight! If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.)

I've been really slack with anything in my life that doesn't involve Ange -namely uni and crafting. I guess that's quite understandable but everytime I think about the roughly $200 worth of Jo Sharp yarn I am yet to knit into squares for my throw I feel guilty. As for the thesis - don't even mention that! Have many articles to read through and really need to get started on it. I think I will make myself get back into it this week. It's just going to be really hard while Ange is still on holidays and at my beck and call.

Bitching...

2004-07-30T17:10:00.000+08:00

Wednesday night we drove all the way out to some dodgy pub in the eastern 'burbs to witness one of my favourite local bands Little Birdy - a tad disappointing considering they only played for an hour. But, they played well and belted out their well-known singles (This is a love song, Baby blue etc) that made it into the JJJ Hot 100 last year, as well as some of their newer tracks. Rumour has it they are about to release an album in August, which I can't wait for! The singer, Katy Steele, has this sexy Chrissie Amphlett thing going on with that hair. And any girl that wears a mini-skirt with red patent high heels while playing guitar gets a gold star in my books!

Have spent today reading and taking notes from The Good, The Bad and The Gorgeous: Popular Culture's Romance With Lesbianism. It has a particularly interesting chapter on Madonna - interesting to me because I've never liked her and think she has been over-analysed as a 'dyke icon'. I think she's given way too much credit and particularly disagreed with the statement "Nothing can be said about the image of women in the last decade without reference to her" (the book was written in 1994). I can think of many, many women the world 0ver whose lives owe nothing to Madonna whatsoever!

I also believe she is given way too much credit for the whole 'liberation of female sexuality' thing. The writer of this chapter, obviously a blinded Madonna fan with tunnel vision, writes: "Adopting a masculine style here, a feminine pose there, substituting sexual object choices as the fancy takes her, she is simultaneously butch and femme, gay and straight. The term 'gender fuck' could have been coined especially for her". Well excuse me, but I disagree. There is never any doubt, in any of Madsy's vid-clips, promo pics or lyrics etc as to both her sexuality and her gender. She is clearly a woman who is aware of the commercial gain to be had from playing at being a lesbian, or a slut, or an androgyne figure.

Enough ranting.

Distractions

2004-07-26T13:55:00.000+08:00

Ever since seeing the Blythe dolls on another blog I can't help but spend hours searching for them on E-bay. They are just so mod and I have already composed many mini-hats, scarves and accessories I could knit/sew them. I really want one! But I'm afraid that if I actually forked out the $100+ to get one, I'd be wracked with guilt over such an unnecessary purchase that is only a doll, at the end of the day. And something tells me Ange wouldn't be too happy with it. When I explained Blythe to her yesterday on the phone she replied "Have you ever heard the saying... [long pause]... you have way too much time on your hands?" I'm sure she's right. Especially considering that today is the first official day of the semester and although I have no actual class time, I promised myself last night that I would get up and make a 'work day' of it - ie 8 hours of studying. It's 2pm, and this hasn't happened yet. I just can't work to a normal schedule! But I have written a list of things I want to achieve this week so as long as they are completed it doesn't matter what time of the day or night I do them, right?

I've also noticed myself becoming increasingly bored with my knitting. I have been making up reasons to avoid it. This is bad. I thought perhaps I'd buy myself the Stitch 'n Bitch book to re-inspire me. Once again I'm scared of forking out yet more hard-earned cash on something I may not actually need. I shudder when I think how much money I've already spent on knitting supplies. Does anyone have any tips on how someone with a short attention span can get back into a much-loved hobby?

2004-07-22T21:46:00.000+08:00

Relax!

"TV rots your brain" - grumpy old lady in 'Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead'

2004-07-22T20:41:00.000+08:00

A particular moment of clarity came today when it suddenly dawned on me how much television I watched yesterday. I had one of those shitty-can't be assed doing anything-stay in your pj's all day- kind of days. And today I recalled that I had watched television from 4.30pm (Bold and The Beautiful - this isn't regular viewing, believe me) until around 2am (Big Brother Uplate - ditto. You know you are having motivational issues when you watch this programme). As I type this, I see how shocking and above all sad this may look. I took breaks, of course, to have a bath and make cups of tea, but for some reason I had an absolute television marathon. I suspect that the reason I unconsciously did this was probably due to the fact that the semester is about to start (this Monday, to be precise). Knowing this has somehow kickstarted my brain into slacker mode. Which is why, tonight, I have deliberately left the tv alone and instead taken up the task of organising my desk, and sorting all of the jumbled journal articles I've printed out over time into neat, sorted manilla folders. One is entitled 'General Honours info', another 'Femme/Butch', and another 'Queer visibility in pop. culture'. I figure there will be many more manilla folders and many more swanky titles to come, but these are a pretty good start I think.

And I've pledged to myself that I will do my stationery shopping for the semester at officewords tomorrow, breathing in the clean crisp smell of ink cartridges, unused reams of Reflex A4 and unlimited colour combinations of post-it note cubes. (I'm a stationery junkie - what a confession to make!) There is something about officeworks that makes me feel clean and crisp. It gives me hope that I can fill that unused paper with meaningful combinations of words and sentences, forming an award-winning thesis.

Today's post makes me sound like a big nerd. I'm okay with that.

If you're into horoscope predictions, which I am, here is my favourite site of all time. It's always surprisingly accurate, and, as with much of the internet, makes for good procrastination activity.

Me time

2004-07-21T19:36:00.000+08:00

I've been enjoying just lazing around the house lately, doing nothing in particular. Even my knitting and mosaic have taken a backseat, as has entertaining any possibility of beginning my thesis a week early. I'm not sure why this is - I just seem to enjoy being lost in my own thoughts and I've also been doing lots of reminiscing. It has definitely been a retrospective and an introspective week for me. Perhaps because I've spent so much time on my own while Ange has been away, and this solitary period is soon drawing to a close with her pending arrival home - which, of course, is only a good thing. I guess a birthday always does that to me as well. I am no longer bored in my own company, or lonely, or afraid - well, I do get a little lonely now and then, mostly when I'm climbing into bed on my own at night.

I'm listening to two amazing records at the moment - starsailor's 'Silence is Easy' and the best of Sinead O'connor. I keep playing 'Nothing Compares 2 U' over and over again. Not because it's a sad song, but I just like singing along to it. It sounds real. Last month it was Neil Young's 'Harvest'. I definitely go through stages with my music - something will be on replay for a while, only to be replaced by something else a few weeks later.

I've also lost 7 kg's over the last 12 weeks, only 2kg short of my goal. All my pants are too big, which is a great feeling, but it also means I'm a bit short of clothing. Still, those new jeans I bought with my birthday cash make me feel decidedly perky every time I wear them. I love being a size 12! Everything fits so much better. Cheers to healthy eating.

P.S. - Can anyone tell me why the L Word hasn't been on for 3 weeks in a row?

Whoever invented Aloe Vera Kleenex deserves a Nobel Prize

2004-07-17T09:51:00.000+08:00

Ugh... I have what is possible the grossest case of the flu I've ever had. I feel positively awful, and this is the FOURTH day. So, nothing positive on my mind I'm afraid. Uni starts in a week, and I'm definitely not feeling motivated at all. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that it's 16 sleeps til my girl gets home.

My japanese name is 遠藤 Endoh (distant wisteria) 久美子 Kumiko (eternal beautiful child).
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Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Orange juice and something salty, please

2004-07-10T10:44:00.000+08:00

Why, oh why, do I repeatedly do this to myself? It's not all that often anymore, granted, but when I'm out and having a good time I seem to forget just how much that extras dacquairi will make me hurt the next morning. As well as the three shooters, numerous vinos, and vodka red bull drinks. Left the bar at 3, when it closed, after a great night of dancing, laughing, and enjoying the company of my friends as well as that of some random strangers. This morning I woke up feeling dizzy and sick, and I'm quite sure I shouldn't have driven this morning - but alas! I had to come to work. Yes, work, on a Saturday, but I'm only here til lunch time so can't complain too much. I am craving orange juice (bought a big bottle of it to work with me) as well as scrambled eggs and bacon - I can smell them cooking as I type, and taste them in my mouth. The salty, crispy, fatty, warm goodness. Oh the happiness that meal would bring me. Preferably in a cafe so I don't have to do the dishes myself.

A philosophical question for you - what is the appeal of women's magazines? Why do I keep buying them when my brain knows they are full of crap?

Twiddling my thumbs

2004-07-06T11:59:00.000+08:00

Ugh. I guess the time is arriving when I must stop doing the above and start actually thinking about and planning my thesis. No more airy fairy ideas floating around - I need to get things on paper, in time for my meeting with my supervisor next week. I am technically still on holidays, yes, but must get organised so that I can have a few weeks off at the beginning of semester when she gets home on 3 August. We've booked a week holiday in a luxury spa apartment on the south coast of WA, in a place called Yallingup. Gorgeous beaches, bush, cafes and wineries. Mmmm. Heaven.

But back to the - ahem - thesis. 12 months. Many words. Much reading. Goal: First Class.

It's my birthday for the whole week, if I say so

2004-07-03T11:20:00.000+08:00

Last night was a Friday night - that night you're meant to get all glitzed with pointy killer shoes and shiny eyeshadow to paint the town pink - but instead I relished spending the night in bed with the electric blanket and Basil, watching Oprah's Birthday Special - I had to have an official 'goodbye' to the SaTC girls... Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Sam - I'll miss you! (Although a friend did buy me the entire final season on DVD recently - thank you muchly Meegan.)

I had a conversation with a friend over dinner the other night about growing older - seeing as it's my birthday next week I am feeling quite thoughtful about issues of age - and we came to the conclusion that going out all the time is something you soon grow sick of. At 18, it seemed so amazing to go out 3 or 4 nights a week, to the same places, enjoying the same old stuff. Give me a warm cup of peppermint tea and good conversation anyday...

She also gave me a blow by blow account of the birth of her daughter, Lily, and I have decided I would love to have a child in about 5-7 years time - depending on so many other circumstances of course. I am happy to say I've never been one of those women who who spends a lifetime dreaming about a white wedding and popping out the kids - but I would love to have one, maximum two, children. I think we would make fantastic mums. My friends seem to think I'd look cute if I was pregnant... would be nice to have that glowing look, but apparently that doesn't happen to all, as some have told me they spent the nine months throwing up. Not very desirable, after all.

My birthday wish list:

1. To have her home early.
2. A second hand sewing machine.
3. The L Word on DVD (so not going to happen!)
4. Shoes
5. Bag

That's honestly all I can think of - see, I am low maintenance after all.

I was given an early birthday present last night - an amazing pair of square princess cut, diamond stud earrings... absolutely gorgeous. You know who you are. Thank you x

The L Word

2004-07-01T11:14:00.000+08:00

This had me totally shaken up last night... oh the delicious drama. I think the saddest part was when Tina found out Bette had been cheating on her with Candice. But the kiss between Dana and Alice made me smile, and I'm getting more and more confused about the storyline involving Jenny - just what am I meant to think of someone that feels comfortable going on a date with both the straight male she's been sleeping with as well as the lesbian she's been bonking? I can't say I can relate.

I WISH this was out on DVD - if anyone hears of it please let me know. It would be a huge help with my thesis. I've decided that since this show is the first of its kind (ie exclusively about lesbians - whether it is in fact for lesbians is another story) it's a pretty significant milestone in pop culture and it's therefore worth using as one of my primary texts for analysis.

The L Word Online

Spotlight ahoy!

2004-06-30T11:17:00.000+08:00

God I love that place. Where else could I buy so much felt, embroidery thread, crimps, raffia, etc etc etc for only $30?! My house looks like a crafting disaster site, there are long cotton threads everywhere and Basil is having great fun playing with the little grey felt mousie I made for him.

Counting down the days...

Weird winter woes

2004-06-27T21:10:00.000+08:00

Feeling quite sad tonight. A bit lost, or something.

After waking up sometime in the afternoon (well, it is Sunday) I arose to a miserable day outside. Rain pouring and a squally wind made me want to stay inside all day but instead I braved the cold with my favourite scarf, the big jacket she sent me from overseas and my new llama cap and met a friend in Fremantle (a gorgeous port city just south of where I live - the place to go for markets and cafes) for lunch. Feasted on hot gourmet pizza, and drank coffee after coffee.

Came home to find that (shock horror) Max had actually resisted digging in holes in the newly mowed lawn - the little saint - so that we should pass the house inspection tomorrow with flying colours. Her usual preference is to dig one particular hole (about a metre square in size), smack bang in the middle of the lawn. Not today.

As I type Basil is running around the house as if he's possessed - must be the weather outside. Remember in school there was something about wintery weather that made everyone act a bit crazy.

Spotlight has a one day only sale tomorrow! Maybe that will bring me out of my bad mood. Crafty projects ahoy. I will be shopping with bells on...

2004-06-26T11:16:00.000+08:00

Maxine (blue heeler x border collie) and Basil (russian blue) enjoying a cuddle on the couch. They are becoming the best of friends. Max will be 3 in a few months and Basil will be 1 on the 11th of October. Max enjoys digging, playing, walkies, retrieving the ball, and general naughtiness. Basil likes smooches, cuddles and sleeping.

2004-06-26T11:11:00.000+08:00

The cutest of cute llama cap that my Nanna knitted for me. If only I could get to this skill level!

Knitting nightmares

2004-06-26T10:06:00.000+08:00

Had a fairly uneventful night of tv and knitting (as promised!). My current projects are:
-A knitted throw consisting of 20cm x 20cm squares knitted in different stitches in shades of rose, purple, chocolates and creams (mostly 8ply Jo Sharp yarn with a bit of mohair thrown in)
-A crocheted 'Jessica Simpson' daisy-pattern shawl, from a pattern I bought off E-bay which was concocted by Stitch Diva
-And finally a scarf made of purple mohair and Heirloom's Monique

I have an amazing skein of Colinette's wigwam cotton tape in 'Summer Berries' (a gorgeous array of earthy browns, pinks and purples) that I have managed to get into a huge tangled knot. Pretty annoying considering it's $25/skein. I'm too impatient for that kind of thing so I've stashed it in a plastic bag in a cupboard. It will return when she gets home to sort it out for me!

A newfound enthusiasm

2004-06-25T16:51:00.000+08:00

Collected my final assignments from uni today, was very happy with my grades and I now feel as though I can do Honours with enough courage to attempt a First Class.

Have given myself the last week off from thinking about issues of queer theory, what with four weeks of mid-year holidays remaining there is more than enough time left to start reading the heavy stuff.

For this weekend at least, my life will consist of much tv, dvds, and knitting pleasures...

Only four weeks and 3 days til she comes home (who's counting?) and my mind is already flurrying about, thinking of everything I want to have done before she is home. I want the house to be perfect, the food shopping done, etc, so that I can bring her home from the airport and begin the celebrations.